You Are Allowed To Make Your Own Adjustments: How I Managed a Hen Do as an Autistic Person
It was my friend’s hen do recently and I was worried about how I would manage it. I struggle socialising in big groups, I don’t enjoy bars or clubs and there was lots of things that I felt anxious about, but I really wanted to go and celebrate my friend.
I posted a video on my Instagram sharing some of the things which helped me to manage it. I was surprised by how much it resonated with people. So many others described finding events like hen do’s, birthday parties, weddings and other social occasions a challenge. Several people said it never occurred to them to make their own adjustments, and they opt out of events like this because they don’t feel they have a choice.
You are always allowed to opt out of events that make you feel anxious or uncomfortable. You are always allowed to say no. You are always allowed to do whatever you need to do.
But, sometimes we say no even when we desperately want to join in, and when with a few adjustments we might be able to also participate. It is obviously much easier when the person arranging the event understands you. If they don’t try to, perhaps they aren’t worth the challenge anyway.
These are some of the things I did to help myself manage the weekend.
I used my fidget toys (I love my tangles). I gave myself permission to not worry about what the group thought and no-one even mentioned my constant fidgeting. Other than a bar manager who called me ‘Little Miss Fidgety’ and I’m not really surprised because my ADHD meds had worn off.
I knew exactly what we were doing and when. I’m a bridesmaid which meant I helped to plan the weekend which was helpful. If you aren’t planning it, ask whoever is in charge of planning. My friend went on different hen do recently too and I encouraged her to ask the bridesmaid planning it for details, which helped to put her mind at rest.
I did not drink alcohol. It has been over a year and a half since I last drank alcohol and I don’t see that changing. This was something I was nervous about but it was fine. I had Diet Coke and apple juice at the bottomless brunch!
I took breaks whenever I needed to and didn’t feel guilty about it. We had some lovely meals out and when I felt restless or overwhelmed, I went outside and went for short walks.
I had my own room in the hotel which helped massively. I went back to my room to rest for a couple of hours each afternoon and I did not force myself to stay out!
I didn’t go clubbing. I struggle with noise and never want to set foot in a club again, so I was in bed with a book by half eleven each night! This was fine by my friend and meant that I could sleep properly and enjoy the next day.
I spent the mornings recharging. Some of the group went for breakfast whilst others stayed in bed. I went to a café next door by myself and read my book. Then I had more energy for junkyard golf and dinner.
I used my loop earplugs which meant I did manage to go to bar on the Saturday evening. Without them, this wouldn’t have been possible.
I know that I have needs because of my autism, ADHD and anxiety that most of the group didn’t have, but instead of feeling like I just needed to fit in and do what they were all doing (which would inevitably have ended in a meltdown or a panic attack), I just made these adjustments for myself and that meant I got to spend the weekend celebrating my friend.
I never would have felt brave enough to do some of these things before. I have always wanted to blend in with everyone else and not be ‘difficult’, but that meant I either had to say no, or I would go and have a meltdown or panic attack or just really struggle.
Remember, you are always entitled to opt out of events that make you feel anxious or uncomfortable. However, if you do want to participate, you are allowed to make your own adjustments. That does not mean you are being ‘difficult’. You are just making sure your own needs are met, so you can join in with the event and celebrate the person whose event it is.
Are there any adjustments you already make for yourself, or anything which helps you which might help other people too?
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